Christmas illustrations 2016

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This year I decided to take a simple approach to the illustrations. It worked well and i was less stressed because the simple approach. At first i decided not to do this year but I told myself i wouldn’t put that much pressure on myself this time because I had done it before and that I would only do it up to christmas and not the full december which also relieved a lot of stress from me. I can’t believe it’s a year already time has gone so quick it’s almost like a dream. (This makes me a little anxious)

I wish you all the best for next year !!

A small thought

Save me from this horror,
Save me from this world,
Save me from the inside of my head.

The bad day has come and left,
It will soon return without notice,
Unwelcome and unloved forever coming back.

Why?
Can’t I stay ?
Why?
Do you hate me so much?
Why?
Can’t you love me?

It askes me these questions knowing that the answer is always the same.

You can’t stay because you make me unwell
I don’t hate you, I just hate the way you make me feel
I can’t love something that hurts me, even if I could do you think it will be a happy ending?

Anxiety and Christmas 2016 illustrations

I stepped outside today that might sound silly to most people but having anxiety makes it extremely difficult.But I managed it after hours of trembling avoidance. There were so many what ifs running through my head, so many different catastrophizing scenes playing in my head.

All I had to do was walk to the post office and send a letter which isn’t far from my home but I found my avoidance levels rising the more I thought about leaving my house. It’s not like I haven’t left the house alone before, it’s not like I haven’t been to the post office before I’ve done all those things before, but there was something stopping me from going, always stopping me going out from this bubble I created in my house.

I step out of the door and found myself overwhelmed I felt panicky I wanted to go back in. I held onto the door handle but it was as if it was holding onto me instead. I didn’t want to close it but I knew I just needed to start walking and I’ll feel better. There wasn’t many people around which eased my anxiety a little. It was a strange feeling when being pulled away from the safe zone it was like pulling elastic bands like I could feel each string trying to pull me back but also I could feel some snapping away and some stretching all the way it would seem I can’t escape this.

This year I found myself not wanting to do the christmas advent calendar an illustration a day, but I remembered how good it felt after finishing so I’ve decided to do it.There is a lot of pressure due to what will people think, will I get any likes , what if no one likes it, I always feel sad when they don’t but it was ok last year. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself as last year I felt I complicated it abit so this year I’m trying to make it more simple, hopefully all goes well. I will be updating everyday on my facebook page link below: Wish me luck I make it through the days, thanks

Link to illustration advent calendar

This dream

Everyday I seem to be stuck in the same place,
Everywhere I go seem so familiar but also strange at the same time,
I can’t seem to escape this dream that I have created,
Everyday seems like groundhog day.

There are days when I miss different people,
There are days that I wish I would stop thinking about it,
There are days that I feel very distant from myself and others,
I can’t seem to escape this place I lock myself in.

Sometimes I wish I could say I love myself,
Sometimes I wish I could say I cherish every moment of my life,
Sometimes I wish I could be my best friend,
But I can’t seem to put the words together.

Everyday I return back to the same place,
Where I wait patiently for someone to save me,
But no one ever comes,
It would seem by now someone would have knocked on my door.

There are days that I wish I could keep myself together,
There are days that I feel nothing but numbness,
There are days that I am overloaded with emotion,
There are days that I wonder where I store all of this.

If only I love myself,
If only I had the strength to save myself,
If only I could see how much I matter,
If only I didn’t feel this way.

 

Visual Diary 9

This week has been difficult to pass. I’ve been feeling super low this week I don’t know if its because of the weather change over here in Scotland/darker days or I’ve got a lot on my mind which i can’t seem to work out at all. I recently been having super strange dreams and i remember most of it when i wake up they all seem to have a similar story  murder, death or some sort of disappointment, or strangeness to them.

My motivation has seem to run dry right now I don’t feel like drawing or writing that much, eating seem difficult to do too. It would seem i have a hard choice deciding what to eat everyday i just don’t have any cravings for food I normally think about food 24/7 but lately its something that bothers me a lot, normally i want something particular but there no food am craving for not even chocolate !! which is a surprise.

I found it difficult to get up from my bed even though that made even more anxious and depressed to stay in it.

Dialogue: With myself in the morning

Me: I should probably get up.
Thought: What’s the point?
Me:Because this will make me feel worse.
Thought: It’s freezing I don’t want to get up.
Me: But if i get moving I will get warm.
Thought: you should stay in bed its already warm in here.
Anxiety: How old are you? Shouldn’t you do anything productive?
Thought:Yes,that’s right your so useless
Me: Go away please
Anxiety: What must people think of you
Thought: they probably think your crazy or even just lazy and that there must be something wrong with you.
Anxiety: Can you imagine the looks they will give you
Thought: haha Yes, All those judgmental looks here we come!!
Me:PLEASE WILL YOU SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!!!

***********Silence*************

Anxiety:What time is it, are you still in bed?
Thought: Yes, she is she so lazy and fat
Anxiety: What if she breaks the bed? the mattress seems to have dent in it already.
Thought: haha,Its all the emotional eating she does, which i will take some responsibility in.
Anxiety:I’m getting so fat, soon there be no clothes that will fit me anymore.
Anxiety: I should probably stop eating so much this worries me.

**************Stomach grumbles and growls***************

Me: I’m Hungry,I should get some food.
Thought:What food? What food should i have?
Me: I should eat something healthy.
Thought: That’s no fun eat some junk its quick and easy.
Me: Its true, but its not good for me and i’ll feel worse.
Thought: Chocolate makes everything better!!! It’s what scientist say.
Me:No, i need proper food that actually nourishes me
Thought: URGHH but am too lazy to do anything.
Anxiety: What if it tastes horrible
Me: I want to stop writing this now.

************ To be Continued or not ****************

Life In repeat

Days like this I feel like I can’t continue,
I feel like am too absorbed in my thoughts,
I lie on my bed looking up at the ceiling patterns and wonder how many times i stared at the same spot in my life time so far.
I wonder what my life would be like if it was a movie,
I imaged it to be full of repetition of the same frames, the same scenes, the same place, the same thoughts, the same colors and patterns.

If i was to watch my life back would i stay and watch the whole thing or will it simply be too boring and painful to acknowledge my own solitude,
Would i think i wasted my life because i didn’t live fully or will i finally be able to accept that i wasn’t well.

Will i accept my anxiety and depression or will i continue to live in an illusion just because I only know how to live that way. Will I acknowledge myself as a person rather than something that just a waste of space and has no purpose at all.As much as my heart hurts to think this I can’t help but accept what my mind has to say about me.

I keep loosing hope, I keep getting tired, yet i’m still fighting, will I ever win? Or will I just keep living in this endless circle that I can’t seem to get out of.

These mandalas seem to represent my repetition in my mind all slightly different but in a way the same.

Stupid

I sometimes think its stupid,
I sometime think speaking my mind is stupid,
I sometimes feeling a certain way is stupid,
I sometime don’t understand why I feel stupid,
I just can’t do this anymore,
I’m so tired of feeling stupid.

Thoughts at the Museum

I was getting lost within all these walls,
rooms filled with history and nostalgia,
A part of me wishes I could understand and see it all,
But instead I was overwhelmed by it.

I wanted to be inspired,
I wanted to immerse myself in its history,
I wanted to lose myself in its curiosity and discovery,
But instead I was haunted by my own history.

Walking through decades of discoveries,
It made me feel inevitably small,
I grew tired and restless quickly,
However, I couldn’t stop trying to catch everything in sight.
It was as if I couldn’t leave without seeing everything first.

Objects lay in glass cabinets,
It started to become boring and repetitive,
Numbered for your convenience,
The glass is covered in traces of fingerprints,
It was as if other people realized how impersonal the museum has become,
But also realizing how destructive people can be at the same time.

The grand clock tower would chime at every hour I stayed in the building,
It echoed through the stone cold walls,
Travelling through every gap of the building,
It sent vibrations through the atmosphere to draw you into its story,
people stopped and gathered beneath it like it was some sort of sacred ritual,
For a moment it seem like time had stopped.

The Night

The Night

dark and cold,

endless and almost unrecognizable space,

black and white,

where the moon  has taken colour from the world

as if it was some sort of curse,

the stars and the moon shine brightly upon the night sky,

trying to tell you their secrets,

but secretly trying to illude you with its beauty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness

I worry about where my mind is going to take me,
I wonder if it will make my heart hate myself,
I worry about time while I am being transported through my thoughts.

I wonder where I will land,
I worry it will make me feel sad,
I wonder how long it will last,
I worry that I will be here for days, weeks and maybe months.

I wonder if I will be able to manage it,
I worry if I don’t i’ll feel like a failure,
I wonder if this is true.

I worry about the truth,
I wonder what kind of person I am,
I worry about how people see me,
I wonder if am any good,
I worry that one day I will realize my own reality.

I wonder if I will be able to stop,
I worry to loose a part of me that has controlled me for a long time,
I wonder if I will miss it or if it will miss me.

I worry because living without it seem too strange,
I wonder sometimes what it would feel like,
I worry how much it will change me,
I wonder if I will like it,
I worry about liking it,
I wonder if it will make me happy,
I worry about being happy.