What do you have planned for me?
What route should I take next?
I am so confused and afraid,
Yet,I am so curious what I would find,
Into the darkness we go.
The wind seems to knock me down every step,
Are you testing me?
Do you want me to give up?
I lose hope easily and you know this,
Into the storm we go.
I am plunged into the sea,
The wave uncontrollably fast and wild,
Am I going to drown?
I feel overwhelmed,
What are you doing to me?
Into the deep dark sea we go.
Days like this I feel like I can’t continue,
I feel like am too absorbed in my thoughts,
I lie on my bed looking up at the ceiling patterns and wonder how many times i stared at the same spot in my life time so far.
I wonder what my life would be like if it was a movie,
I imaged it to be full of repetition of the same frames, the same scenes, the same place, the same thoughts, the same colors and patterns.
If i was to watch my life back would i stay and watch the whole thing or will it simply be too boring and painful to acknowledge my own solitude,
Would i think i wasted my life because i didn’t live fully or will i finally be able to accept that i wasn’t well.
Will i accept my anxiety and depression or will i continue to live in an illusion just because I only know how to live that way. Will I acknowledge myself as a person rather than something that just a waste of space and has no purpose at all.As much as my heart hurts to think this I can’t help but accept what my mind has to say about me.
I keep loosing hope, I keep getting tired, yet i’m still fighting, will I ever win? Or will I just keep living in this endless circle that I can’t seem to get out of.
These mandalas seem to represent my repetition in my mind all slightly different but in a way the same.
Mandalas for healing
I have been drawing mandalas recently, well at first it was just a simple doodle but my friend said she liked my ‘mandala’ drawing and i had to do some research on mandalas because i wasn’t sure what it was but these type of drawing seem to be trending. I have always wanted to draw patterns making cool drawings and never really understood the process of it, I would ask friends about how they can just doodle and suddenly a cool pattern appears almost surprisingly because most of the time its all just a instinctual feeling. I found really interesting information on spiritual interpretation of mandalas and how they are used for mediation and healing purposes but also it is a representation of self which made me curious about what these must say about me. I become relaxed and my mind becomes quiet. When i start drawing its almost automatic what shapes to do what lines to do and even colour seems to come. I feel a point of healing and calmness when i draw them and has helped my mental health in someway which i find really intriguing.
I have recently been motivated to draw more which is great.
I feel like am rushing things and becoming impatient about myself and how i should be right at this moment. I need to accept that its ok not to be ok for now and it is my responsibility to make my life better rather than feeling pity for myself. However, this is easier said than done breaking habits isn’t really that simple I guess its become my comfort zone. But one step at a time instead of wanting to do it all in one go.
I recently found that I find water relaxing like running water or even sounds of rain falling from the sky i find it peaceful. I imagine it cleansing me and slowly washing away bad thoughts. I guess it reminds me of this relaxation where I had to picture a river flowing by and that leaves where dropping onto the river which represented your thoughts flowing down the stream symbolic for letting go instead of disturbing its natural rhythm.
I seem to be wanting to draw symbols maybe they mean more than what meets the eye, I’m wondering what it really says about me. Simple shapes and lines making up patterns seems to be the only thing i can draw without thinking and without judging. I was inspired by those adult coloring books and wanted to draw something similar. Coloring in doesn’t relax me as much as drawing. I’ve been using a fountain pen too which seems to be even more relaxing because you have to be more gentle with it and slow for nice lines. It seems like a nice mediation I’ve discovered so i will be producing more of these doodles.
How did I end up here,
Once filled with life and hope,
But now filled with sorrow and somber.
How many days, months, years has it been,
Will I be free again,
When will I allow myself to escape this dream,
I can barely see myself anymore.
How can I believe again,
The world has consumed and overwhelmed me with its mysteries,
Let me breathe just once without difficulty,
Let me see what you showed me once before.
A gift for you.
Is it enough?
Is it good enough?
I always seem to ask myself this.
As if I feel it isn’t.
But what is enough?
Am I enough for you?
Am I enough for myself?
I seemed to have caught myself on merry go round.
Going round and round,
I don’t seem to be wanting to get off,
As if I wouldn’t know what to do if i did,
As if I didn’t want to,
As if life would stop.
But as all things in life,
There will always be a ending,
Patiently waiting for you,
Until then lets keep going round.
It would seem that we all view things differently, our perception of reality is experienced through how we perceive the world through our minds and our eyes. Yet we seem believe what our emotions and thoughts have to say even though they are forever changing. I often wonder what is real and what is not, we seem to be living in our heads more and more or have we been living there all along? The fact that we interpret things differently seems to show we don’t all see the same things but i also think how we feel about things at the time also has an impact on how we see the world.
Lately I haven’t been feeling that great i have experienced a sudden dip in my mood compared to a few weeks ago but i guess you can’t be happy all the time. I blame my bad sleeping habits and maybe eating habits too. I never thought i would say this but am finally joined the crew of being addicted to checking our phones, i refused to get a phone with all the fancy technology before but unfortunately that broke and had to get a new phone and now i feel a sudden attachment to my phone which i really don’t like in fact its really annoying. I’ve seen friends checking their phones while having a conversation it really puts me off but i thought i would never end up like that and i try not to be, but it feels like its pulling me towards it every time i don’t check it. Maybe I have FOMO haha.
Below are inkblots, what do you see in them? They are made with ink and bleach there’s something about how the bleach interacts with the ink which makes it fascinating to work with while also determining how strong of a bleach or how diluted of bleach you use you could get really cool effects and you could get a really cool image depending how you spread the ink. I liked the unpredictability of the image because you only know what your going to get when you reopen the book as it presses onto the other side. There are endless possibilities of what they could be but i often think art isn’t about what it is but what its trying to say to you, what emotions, memories does it bring up?, how does it make you feel?, why do you think that is ? I always ask myself these questions when i get drawn to an art piece. It almost reflects myself or in some way i can relate to it in order to understand the artist but also self.
I almost find these daunting today over complex,overwhelming with so much going on in them but were created so simply with little effort. Yet they almost become nothing but ink splatted on the page as if it was a mistake.
My heart beats uncontrollably,
I could feel it fluttering on my chest,
Until it almost starts to hurt,
As if it was trying to escape my body.
My heart beats uncontrollably,
I could hear it beating faster,
I could feel my breath getting faster,
As if I forgot how to breathe normally.
My heart beats uncontrollably,
I could feel my hands cramping up painfully,
I could feel my whole body vibrating with numbness,
As if it was turning me into stone.
My heart beats uncontrollably,
My lungs breathes rapidly,
My hands and body cramps up automatically,
And my mind hides quietly.
I did this last year for my dad’s birthday. For some reason he reminds me of the sea, fishing, and traveling by boat possibly because he likes watching those nature programs about fishes and other wildlife. Recently I’ve been wanting to get back into poetry writing, I feel I’ve made such good progress that am beginning to find interest in things again but i worry about how long this is going to last but I really should just enjoy this moment. It’s a bit exciting but also scary but am hoping to get through it. Maybe 2016 is where my journey begins.
The sea reminds me of the times I would walk down to the beach really early in the morning because I knew it be quiet and that i could get the whole sea to myself. The weather was cold and a bit windy, the sky was grey but with bits of blue appearing from the clouds. My mind was buzzing with thoughts of anxiety and walking felt like I was running away from them but it was more like it was following me everywhere I went. I remember having a difficulty walking out the door but I convinced myself that nothing bad was going to happen even though my thoughts where constantly thinking of irrational fears. When i finally reached the beach i thought i could relax but i just couldn’t let go of my anxieties. I would then sit on a bench or on a big rock near the sea and i would close my eyes and take in the cold refreshing wind and any senses that where triggered. Then i would get my journal out and start to write, at first it was difficult to get into but once i started i couldn’t stop I remember writing pages and pages as if i was writing an actual book. Sometimes I would get too cold or hungry or started to get anxious about the amount of work i still had to do and i would stop and walk back home. But every time I returned home i really wanted to go back to the sea where i can hear waves crashing, where I can see the winds moving nature, where I could smell the sea, where i can feel the air gliding through my fingers and where I was almost at peace.
Elan 