I Want To Choose Life !!

This year I have decided to give myself a new start, I have begun the process of looking into options of volunteering somewhere I’m not sure what I want to do but I  feel volunteering will give me an insight of possibilities that might be out there for me. So far I have a few options that maybe be suitable either volunteering in a art center or volunteering in a mental health service both I have interest in. I am in the process of choose which one i would like to do but I am so indecisive, both are equally rewarding and filled with amazing experiences.

I want to choose life for the first time,

I want to live rather than exist in the world,

I want to be alive rather than live in my own head,

I want to experience life for all that it is,

I want to embrace life as if I had never hated it,

I want to start living again,

I want to find myself,

I want to know what I can be, who I can be, where I can be,

I want to choose life as if I had never been hurt by it.

Christmas illustrations 2016

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This year I decided to take a simple approach to the illustrations. It worked well and i was less stressed because the simple approach. At first i decided not to do this year but I told myself i wouldn’t put that much pressure on myself this time because I had done it before and that I would only do it up to christmas and not the full december which also relieved a lot of stress from me. I can’t believe it’s a year already time has gone so quick it’s almost like a dream. (This makes me a little anxious)

I wish you all the best for next year !!

Happiness

I worry about where my mind is going to take me,
I wonder if it will make my heart hate myself,
I worry about time while I am being transported through my thoughts.

I wonder where I will land,
I worry it will make me feel sad,
I wonder how long it will last,
I worry that I will be here for days, weeks and maybe months.

I wonder if I will be able to manage it,
I worry if I don’t i’ll feel like a failure,
I wonder if this is true.

I worry about the truth,
I wonder what kind of person I am,
I worry about how people see me,
I wonder if am any good,
I worry that one day I will realize my own reality.

I wonder if I will be able to stop,
I worry to loose a part of me that has controlled me for a long time,
I wonder if I will miss it or if it will miss me.

I worry because living without it seem too strange,
I wonder sometimes what it would feel like,
I worry how much it will change me,
I wonder if I will like it,
I worry about liking it,
I wonder if it will make me happy,
I worry about being happy.

Visual Diary 8

Mandalas for healing

I have been drawing mandalas recently, well at first it was just a simple doodle but my friend said she liked my ‘mandala’ drawing and i had to do some research on mandalas because i wasn’t sure what it was but these type of drawing seem to be trending. I have always wanted to draw patterns making cool drawings and never really understood the process of it, I would ask friends about how they can just doodle and suddenly a cool pattern appears almost surprisingly because most of the time its all just a instinctual feeling. I found really interesting information on spiritual interpretation of mandalas and how they are used for mediation and healing purposes but also it is a representation of self which made me curious about what these must say about me. I become relaxed and my mind becomes quiet. When i start drawing its almost automatic what shapes to do what lines to do and even colour seems to come. I feel a point of healing and calmness when i draw them and has helped my mental health in someway which i find really intriguing.

 

Visual Diary 7

I recently have been drawing a lot in my sketchbook which is really good i’m gaining a lot from drawing. Drawing has become a meditative process which i never thought it would, before i couldn’t draw without my mind telling me i can’t or making me feel tired and pointless to the point i felt i wasn’t good enough. I believe art is more than just a pretty picture its more than just being realistic and direct with your meaning. Often i would show my mum the drawings and she would always ask me “what is it meant to be?” Sometimes I am unable to answer her because most of the time i drawing from what i feel like drawing and let my hands draw what i feel and in the end a picture/ story appears almost unexpectedly. I rely on what i feel like drawing or what feels right at the time and let that guide me in creating and representing me in visual form. I also wonder what my subconscious is telling me or what sort of things i am processing through drawing, i do definitely feel almost lighter in my mind and more relaxed afterwards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In That Moment

A moment ago i was lost,
I was lost and unloved,
Not just lost but hidden so I can’t be found,
A moment ago seemed like it was just a second ago.

Broken dreams lie in pieces on the ground,
Yet easily pieced back together like a puzzle,
Crushed and stepped on making more fragments,
Until your unable to know how many pieces you have.

A moment can change it all,
A moment can be so small,
A moment might just make you fall,

Into the darkness we go.

I couldn’t believe it,
Not even for bit,
Not even for a moment which seemed like forever,
Forever that i wish would never come.

A moment that makes no sense,
A moment when i became lost in my own fragments.

Visual Diary 6

I am proud of myself that i overcame a bit of my anxiety this week even though i had a long panic attack with my whole body becoming numb and tense but i managed to complete the task i set myself. Thanks to my friends for supporting me through it. I did have a dip in my mood but it seems to have risen again am trying my best to get my anxiety under control which means to expose myself with things that make me anxious its generally the only way to do it.

I’ve been drawing a lot more which is good am really enjoying it now which i haven’t said in awhile but i hope positives will keep coming. Lets keep going!!!

Something I done in full colour which i normally stick to monochromes but wanted to add a bit of colour especially bright ones.

 

Stubborn Heart

I see you leave once again,
As if it was just a dream,
Which couldn’t be true,
Which couldn’t be real.

Once again I held my heart in my chest,
To feel what it was telling me,
To feel what it had to say,
And all I could feel was you.

Lingering in my heart,
Stubborn to leave,
Like I couldn’t just let you go,
Like I couldn’t survive without you.

I wait patiently for you,
Will I be waiting forever,
Will I still be stubborn to let you go,

Waiting always feels like forever.

 

Mindful Drawing

I seem to be wanting to draw symbols maybe they mean more than what meets the eye, I’m wondering what it really says about me. Simple shapes and lines making up patterns seems to be the only thing i can draw without thinking and without judging. I was inspired  by those adult coloring books and wanted to draw something similar. Coloring in doesn’t relax me as much as drawing. I’ve been using a fountain pen too which seems to be even more relaxing because you have to be more gentle with it and slow for nice lines. It seems like a nice mediation I’ve discovered so i will be producing more of these doodles.

 

 

 

Visual Diary 4

It would seem that we all view things differently, our perception of reality is experienced through how we perceive the world through our minds and our eyes. Yet we seem believe what our emotions and thoughts have to say even though they are forever changing. I often wonder what is real and what is not, we seem to be living in our heads more and more or have we been living there all along? The fact that we interpret things differently seems to show we don’t all see the same things but i also think how we feel about things at the time also has an impact on how we see the world.

Lately I haven’t been feeling that great i have experienced a sudden dip in my mood compared to a few weeks ago but i guess you can’t be happy all the time. I blame my bad sleeping habits and maybe eating habits too. I never thought i would say this but am finally joined the crew of being addicted to checking our phones, i refused to get a phone with all the fancy technology before but unfortunately that broke and had to get a new phone and now i feel a sudden attachment to my phone which i really don’t like in fact its really annoying. I’ve seen friends checking their phones while having a conversation it really puts me off but i thought i would never end up like that and i try not to be, but it feels like its pulling me towards it every time i don’t check it. Maybe I have FOMO haha.

Below are inkblots, what do you see in them? They are made with ink and bleach there’s something about how the bleach interacts with the ink which makes it fascinating to work with while also determining how strong of a bleach or how diluted of bleach you use you could get really cool effects and you could get a really cool image depending how you spread the ink. I liked the unpredictability of the image because you only know what your going to get when you reopen the book as it presses onto the other side. There are endless possibilities of what they could be but i often think art isn’t about what it is but what its trying to say to you, what emotions, memories does it bring up?, how does it make you feel?, why do you think that is ? I always ask myself these questions when i get drawn to an art piece. It almost reflects myself or in some way i can relate to it in order to understand the artist but also self.

I almost find these daunting today over complex,overwhelming with so much going on in them but were created so simply with little effort. Yet they almost become nothing but ink splatted on the page as if it was a mistake.