I sit next to the window looking at the empty block of buildings,
I seem to be lost in thought yet i also seem to be awake and breathing,
I wish i could stop.
The thoughts of my own ideas seem to be unwanted, pointless and worthless,
I just want to be ok,
but is it enough for me?
No.
I never thought this would be it,
I thought with this steady job i would be fine,
I thought that money would solve all my fears and insecurities,
But it only made me worse, leaving me wanting more and more.
When is it enough?
When will i feel like myself again?
Who am i?
What am I ?
With all these questions unanswered i feel lost again.
I knew it from the beginning it was going to be hard,
living in the world isn’t all fun and games,
I couldn’t bring myself to see it before and I can’t seem to pull myself to see anymore.
The lies and all the misfortune have wrapped this world in a tightly bond.
Can I breathe ?
Can I see?
Nevermind I will keep on living for you.
I use to pray to god to take my life away and he did just that. Without realising he took my life away as I had asked him to. I spent the most of life wondering why I had such a hard life. I had spent most of life asking why he was so cruel to me. When In reality I had asked him to take my life away, so much that my life was filled with endless anxieties and tears. I would pray to him and ask him to save me because I would regret my previous prayer. I would ask him to forgive me for my selfish thoughts.
Allow kindness,
Allow love,
Allow life,
Allow laugher,
Allow happiness,
Allow care,
Allow compassion,
Allow it all into your life because you are worth it.
Even when days you feel that you don’t,
Even when others don’t,
Even when it’s difficult to,
Even when you don’t know how,
Allow yourself to love,kindness,life,laughter,happiness,care,compassion.
Allow yourself to know you are worth it,
Even when your world is falling apart.
Embrace it with a warm welcome,
Embrace it with all you have because you have nothing to lose,
Begin with loving you.
This year I have decided to give myself a new start, I have begun the process of looking into options of volunteering somewhere I’m not sure what I want to do but I feel volunteering will give me an insight of possibilities that might be out there for me. So far I have a few options that maybe be suitable either volunteering in a art center or volunteering in a mental health service both I have interest in. I am in the process of choose which one i would like to do but I am so indecisive, both are equally rewarding and filled with amazing experiences.
I want to choose life for the first time,
I want to live rather than exist in the world,
I want to be alive rather than live in my own head,
I want to experience life for all that it is,
I want to embrace life as if I had never hated it,
I want to start living again,
I want to find myself,
I want to know what I can be, who I can be, where I can be,
I want to choose life as if I had never been hurt by it.
Somehow I still feel unable to breathe even with all this space,
The world can seem so big yet I still feel restricted and confined in one space.
Even with all the space in the world I still can’t feel able to breathe,
When will I be able to leave.
With the world so big my eyes can barely capture it all,
My perception of the world has been deluded from staring at the same walls,
My attention constantly being directed to something more and something new,
Everything in my mind is telling me its all untrue.
I couldn’t capture everything even if I tried,
I wish I wouldn’t lie,
I only wanted to open myself to the real world,
Instead of being trapped in what seemed like the netherworld.
.
Save me from this horror,
Save me from this world,
Save me from the inside of my head.
The bad day has come and left,
It will soon return without notice,
Unwelcome and unloved forever coming back.
Why?
Can’t I stay ?
Why?
Do you hate me so much?
Why?
Can’t you love me?
It askes me these questions knowing that the answer is always the same.
You can’t stay because you make me unwell
I don’t hate you, I just hate the way you make me feel
I can’t love something that hurts me, even if I could do you think it will be a happy ending?
I stepped outside today that might sound silly to most people but having anxiety makes it extremely difficult.But I managed it after hours of trembling avoidance. There were so many what ifs running through my head, so many different catastrophizing scenes playing in my head.
All I had to do was walk to the post office and send a letter which isn’t far from my home but I found my avoidance levels rising the more I thought about leaving my house. It’s not like I haven’t left the house alone before, it’s not like I haven’t been to the post office before I’ve done all those things before, but there was something stopping me from going, always stopping me going out from this bubble I created in my house.
I step out of the door and found myself overwhelmed I felt panicky I wanted to go back in. I held onto the door handle but it was as if it was holding onto me instead. I didn’t want to close it but I knew I just needed to start walking and I’ll feel better. There wasn’t many people around which eased my anxiety a little. It was a strange feeling when being pulled away from the safe zone it was like pulling elastic bands like I could feel each string trying to pull me back but also I could feel some snapping away and some stretching all the way it would seem I can’t escape this.
This year I found myself not wanting to do the christmas advent calendar an illustration a day, but I remembered how good it felt after finishing so I’ve decided to do it.There is a lot of pressure due to what will people think, will I get any likes , what if no one likes it, I always feel sad when they don’t but it was ok last year. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself as last year I felt I complicated it abit so this year I’m trying to make it more simple, hopefully all goes well. I will be updating everyday on my facebook page link below: Wish me luck I make it through the days, thanks
Link to illustration advent calendar
Everyday I seem to be stuck in the same place,
Everywhere I go seem so familiar but also strange at the same time,
I can’t seem to escape this dream that I have created,
Everyday seems like groundhog day.
There are days when I miss different people,
There are days that I wish I would stop thinking about it,
There are days that I feel very distant from myself and others,
I can’t seem to escape this place I lock myself in.
Sometimes I wish I could say I love myself,
Sometimes I wish I could say I cherish every moment of my life,
Sometimes I wish I could be my best friend,
But I can’t seem to put the words together.
Everyday I return back to the same place,
Where I wait patiently for someone to save me,
But no one ever comes,
It would seem by now someone would have knocked on my door.
There are days that I wish I could keep myself together,
There are days that I feel nothing but numbness,
There are days that I am overloaded with emotion,
There are days that I wonder where I store all of this.
If only I love myself,
If only I had the strength to save myself,
If only I could see how much I matter,
If only I didn’t feel this way.
This week has been difficult to pass. I’ve been feeling super low this week I don’t know if its because of the weather change over here in Scotland/darker days or I’ve got a lot on my mind which i can’t seem to work out at all. I recently been having super strange dreams and i remember most of it when i wake up they all seem to have a similar story murder, death or some sort of disappointment, or strangeness to them.
My motivation has seem to run dry right now I don’t feel like drawing or writing that much, eating seem difficult to do too. It would seem i have a hard choice deciding what to eat everyday i just don’t have any cravings for food I normally think about food 24/7 but lately its something that bothers me a lot, normally i want something particular but there no food am craving for not even chocolate !! which is a surprise.
I found it difficult to get up from my bed even though that made even more anxious and depressed to stay in it.
Dialogue: With myself in the morning
Me: I should probably get up.
Thought: What’s the point?
Me:Because this will make me feel worse.
Thought: It’s freezing I don’t want to get up.
Me: But if i get moving I will get warm.
Thought: you should stay in bed its already warm in here.
Anxiety: How old are you? Shouldn’t you do anything productive?
Thought:Yes,that’s right your so useless
Me: Go away please
Anxiety: What must people think of you
Thought: they probably think your crazy or even just lazy and that there must be something wrong with you.
Anxiety: Can you imagine the looks they will give you
Thought: haha Yes, All those judgmental looks here we come!!
Me:PLEASE WILL YOU SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!!!
***********Silence*************
Anxiety:What time is it, are you still in bed?
Thought: Yes, she is she so lazy and fat
Anxiety: What if she breaks the bed? the mattress seems to have dent in it already.
Thought: haha,Its all the emotional eating she does, which i will take some responsibility in.
Anxiety:I’m getting so fat, soon there be no clothes that will fit me anymore.
Anxiety: I should probably stop eating so much this worries me.
**************Stomach grumbles and growls***************
Me: I’m Hungry,I should get some food.
Thought:What food? What food should i have?
Me: I should eat something healthy.
Thought: That’s no fun eat some junk its quick and easy.
Me: Its true, but its not good for me and i’ll feel worse.
Thought: Chocolate makes everything better!!! It’s what scientist say.
Me:No, i need proper food that actually nourishes me
Thought: URGHH but am too lazy to do anything.
Anxiety: What if it tastes horrible
Me: I want to stop writing this now.
************ To be Continued or not ****************
Elan 